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February 18, 2016

Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science | Volume 3 | EDITORIAL 1

Making America’s Scientists Great Again: The Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science endorses Donald Trump

PNIS Editorial Staff1
1 - PNIS

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Remember when America’s scientists used to have victories? Our scientists used to win all the time, but now they’re just big losers. Our space program used to be the envy of the world. We beat Russia and landed two men on the moon. Now we don’t even have a space program, and Europeans are landing robots on comets and getting access to all their precious gold and minerals. Our chemists and physicists used to discover element after element for the Periodic Table. Now, the most recent elements were discovered by the Japanese and the Russians. And they get to name them. When was the last time an American got to name an element? There’s not even an element named after America! Our scientists used to win Nobel Prizes all the time. We used to get tired of winning them, there was so much winning. Now, we’ve got Canadians, the Chinese, Turks, and probably Mexicans winning them. And the US economy could use that $1.5 million in prize money.

Well, the editors at the Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science are sick of our scientists losing all the time. We want to win again. And we feel that we need a strong, handsome Commander-in-Chief to help us win back our dominance in science stuff. There’s only one candidate in the U.S. Presidential Election that has the guts and the fortitude to lead us back atop the Nobel Prize Podium and that person is Donald Trump.

It might sound odd that the world’s most prestigious science journal would endorse Trump—a person that has called climate change a hoax and promoted the unsubstantiated link between vaccines and autism. However, we feel that Trump’s views on these issues are a bit more nuanced and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of modern science than one might think.

For example, Trump has suggested that vaccines cause autism, but only because vaccines are given to children in “1 massive dose.” He said:

First, Trump shows impressive scientific acumen to perceive that tiny children are, in fact, not horses. Secondly, Trump is thinking like a shrewd businessman. Doctors and hospitals stand to make much more money if multiple visits are scheduled for vaccinations instead of just one. That’s just Business 101: How to Create Repeat Customers.

A Trump administration would also result in increased funding for science. For example, Trump’s skepticism on climate change is well known:

And Trump is the type of person that will spend ungodly amounts of money just to prove he is correct. But, because he will never be correct about climate change, this means unlimited new funds for climate research! Where will Trump get these funds? We’re not quite sure—Trump isn’t the type to divulge important policy details—but we’re guessing he’ll get it from China, seeing as how he blames them for inventing climate change.

In fact, we expect that much of the scientific research during a Trump administration would be focused on addressing his many misconceptions of science, which would be more than enough to keep all of America’s scientists busy for the next four years. Furthermore, we expect American scientists to stay busy researching the bogus claims of his appointed cabinet, which will likely include Vani Hari (aka, the Food Babe) as Secretary of Agriculture, Deepak Chopra as Secretary of Energy, and Jenny McCarthy as Secretary of Health and Human Services.

But perhaps the best reason why we decided to endorse Donald Trump is because we can think of no other person that best represents the PNIS than Trump. Both started out pretty small, but soon grew to be yuge. Both are exciting for only about 1 minute before they climax and start to become dull and flaccid again. And both have almost no appeal to women whatsoever. In many, many respects, Trump is the most accurate human incarnation of PNIS and everything that a PNIS stands for. That is why he has our support.

Donald Trump will make America great again, and he will make America’s scientists great again. Trump’s understanding and appreciation of science make him the perfect candidate for a fake scientific journal to endorse. And that’s why we are thrilled to give Donald Trump a big old PNIS stamp—of approval.

 

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