February 1, 2016
Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science | Volume 3 | SCI-NEWS 4
After top-secret meeting, climate scientists agree to ‘raise’ Earth’s temperature by 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit in 2016
[UNDISCLOSED LOCATION] – After days of negotiations, the world’s top climate scientists formally agreed to adjust all climate data collected in 2016 so that a slight warming trend of 0.1 degrees Fahrenheit would be observed. “We were very pleased with the progress of this summit,” said Hoesung Lee, chief organizer of the meeting and chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC). “The agreements reached in these meetings ensure that the myth of climate change will continue to be a rich source of funding for most of the world’s scientists.”
Fixing the data to show a 0.1ºF warming trend is a substantial change from last year, when scientists agreed to shatter the previous global temperature by 0.23ºF. “In 2015, we wanted to take advantage of El Niño and make the Earth much warmer in order to create more anxiety about climate change,” said Lee. “It worked great, because we are totes swimming in research funding right now. Personally, though, I think we got a little crazy with the warming last year, so we wanted to cool it down a bit—pun intended!”
Scientists around the world embraced the decision to maintain a slight warming trend. “I think it’s the right move,” said Angelo Mendoza, research biologist at UC-Berkeley. “With all this warming, people were starting to get a little suspicious that we were making up the data. A much lower amount of warming should ease those suspicions. Now, I need to find how to link my research on hepatic lipogenesis to climate change to get some money.”
This top-secret meeting of climate scientists from 8 leading countries, otherwise known as the GR8 CON, has been held the last week of January for the past 30 years. The exact location of the meeting has always remained a mystery, but many people suspect it is held somewhere in China, since China invented the concept of climate change in 1986 to decrease the competitiveness of the U.S. manufacturing sector.